BYU Addictive Substances

We take what we can get.  And we abuse it heavily.  At the moment, all of us have an incredibly unhealthy obsession with this song:

Skip to 1:59.  Trust me.

The effects are borderline inappropriate.  It's like Ecstasy, but you won't get kicked out of school for listening to it.  Musical Ecstasy.  Yes.

Join us...... It's fun..... You know you want to...... Live a little..... YOLO.

Drunken Escapades, Pt. 1

But don't worry, they're not my drunken escapades.

One night on my way home from work I decided to take a detour through the sketchy part of Pocatello (aren't they all?), when I passed a car pulled over to the side of the road.  After much internal debate, I turned around and went back to see if I could help them with anything (despite the fact that the only useful thing I might be able to provide is a cell phone with internet capabilities- my car knowledge is seriously limited).

The car had stalled, and the two girls who were driving it needed some gas.  I offered to drive them down the road to the gas station about half a mile away to fill a can with gas.  This is where things started to go downhill.  One of the girls asked me to push her car to the gas station... with my car.  Well that was definitely a solid negatory.  I talked them into riding in my car to and from the gas station, after which, I would take off.

I have had very little experience with alcohol, so I didn't realize exactly what I had gotten myself into until we were on the way to the gas station, and I started paying attention to what was going on.  One of the girls was moderately sober, but the other was very intoxicated.

Much thanks to my daddy, I had an empty gas can in my trunk for emergencies.  We filled up and then filled their car.  I waited to make sure their car would start and I could go home with a clear conscience.  If only things were that easy.  The car didn't start.  I pulled up next to them to see what was going on, and patiently waited at their side while they got into a drunken argument about what to do.  They decided to push the car out of the road and walk home.  So they started pulling valuables out of the car.

That was the point at which a cop pulled up from the other direction. DrunkenPants (hereby known as DP)  panicked and immediately got into my car while the more able minded girl tried to explain the situation.  The police officer asked us to get out of the road and moved on.

In her panic, DP dropped her phone on the pavement.  But wasn't able to comprehend what I was saying and insisted I call her phone while she drunkenly searched my car.  Meanwhile, Girl 2 started checking their car for her phone, which she was unable to find.  Then, DP confided to me that she had Girl 2's phone and insisted we weren't going anywhere until Girl 2 returned her phone and made me promise not to tell G2.

I found the phone on the pavement, where I knew it was going to be, and returned it to DP, who then returned G2's phone.  At this point, DP begged me to walk them home.  Even though their house was across the street.  So I accompanied them across the street.  And by "accompanied," I mean I navigated DP up and down the curbs and stairs with several "step up here" and "step down here" whilst half dragging her.

The best part was how they thanked me once we were finally inside- with shots.  They insisted I join them in taking shots, and when I politely declined, they asked if I wanted to watch them take shots.  Surprisingly, I passed on the second offer as well.

Such lovely folks in Pocatello.  I really think I bonded with those girls that night.  They also invited me to their garage sale the next morning.  I should probably look them up on Facebook or something, I sense a lasting relationship in the works.

russian to reply.

dear russian viewers:

Привет!

Я всех вас люблю!

today, we've had more views from russia than from the united states. working off our current theory, there are more drunkards in russia than we thought. or smerfing is the hip thing to do, but all the non hipsters are googling it to catch up.

we're open to new explanations of the russian hits.

in the meanwhile, thank you, Varfolomei for your generous referrals, and LETS GET DIVERSE, Y'ALL!

-katie

"Smorfing"

That's right.  "Smorfing."  It's a type of alcohol in Russia.  We think.  Because if it isn't, how would we randomly have 4 blog viewers from Russia?  Here's our theory: A really super drunk Russian man named Varfolomei was trying to order some more "smorfing."  So he was typing this into his Russian form of Google, and accidentally typed "smerfing" instead, because that's what happens when you are a drunk Russian man on the internet.  And when he stumbled upon our blog, he thought he would change his addiction.  He went from drinking smorfing to constantly viewing our blog, so he got together with his two buddies and his lady friend and they are now going on 3 views a day.  Each.

We also have a good friend from Chile, the King of Malaysia, and a German Shepherd viewing our blog.  Yeah, we're famous.

Our Unofficial Moonlighting

So, as you have recently been informed, our fridge is not a fridge. Because of this problem, we don't use our "fridge" very often. Thus, things we do put in there usually get forgotten and abandoned to die a slow and painful death. This is the case with a half full bottle of Martinelli's Apple Sparkling Cider. It's been there since about the third week of fall semester. It's been about 4+ months. The discovery of it's existence led us to question whether or not it was safe to drink. It had, after all, been sitting, opened and unsealed, in a dark and cool place for many months.

So of course the only logical thing to do is consult google on effective procedures when attempting to ferment Martinelli's Sparkling Cider. Turns out, according to the internet, we have succeeded in making our own alcohol! Screw hoarding secret caffeine, come to our place for something even better that will really get the party smerfing. Or it may perhaps make you really sick and die. We're not really sure. Someone should donate their pet to us for animal testing.* We might even pay you for your time. But probably not. Don't count on it.

*Some side effects your pet may experience once you donate them to the cause may include: headaches, nausea, bloating, confusion, loss of sight in the left eye, abnormal dreams, weight loss, weight gain, decreased sexual desire or ability, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, nervousness, dry mouth, fever, chills, muscle aches, increased sweating, loss of appetite, runny nose, sore throat, weakness, yawning, or sudden death.