Mother Goose: Innocent Nursery Rhyme Author, or Bankrupt Philanthropist?

My family is weird.  Ya know how Santa comes on Christmas?  Well, in my family, Mother Goose comes on New Year's Eve and gives presents to children.  I'm not sure if they have to be good or not.  I'm also not sure about a bunch of other things.  Like, Why doesn't Mother Goose come to everyone?  Why New Year's Eve?  How does she get in the house?  Is she actually a goose, or does she just call herself that?  And where do the famous nursery rhymes come in?

In order to find out, I asked a bunch of my family members about Mother Goose.  Turns out, they all had different theories.

One theory is that Mother Goose is just that--a goose.  10 feet tall, in fact.  She carries the gifts in her ginormous tail feathers.  And as she flies off into the night, she cries, "HONK!  Happy New Year!  HONK!"

Theory Number Two:  Mother Goose is not actually a goose. She's an old Grandma.  Very similar to Mrs. Clause.  She owns a goose.  She rides it, in fact.  Now, I've seen geese, and they're not big enough to ride.  So, either this goose is inherently magic, or it eats those little pills like on Alice in Wonderland, that make it grow or shrink depending on which one it eats.

Who knows.

And, apparently, she only comes to some houses.  Like, not even all our state, or our county, or even all of our city.  In fact, I'm pretty sure we're the only house she comes to.  Weird...

So, if you ever want to find out more about Santa Clause, read a book or watch a Christmas movie.  There are none of those about Mother Goose, so good luck.  Oh, and happy new year.  Or something at the end of February.  Honk.

The awkward trials of being accidentally funny

Apparently, I said something funny a few days ago.  Katie swears by it.  But she can't remember what it was.  However, even though none of us can remember me being funny, I have been pressured into remembering it and then writing a blog post about it.  It's possibly the most stressful thing I've ever been through.  I try to dig through my memory for something funny I might have said 3.6 days ago, but I just can't recall it.  Every once and a while I'll say something that I think might be it, but then I look at Katie and she makes no response, or worse, gives a pity laugh.  I'm patronized by the idea that I might have said something amusing that might have changed my entire life for the better and perhaps could have made me money and fame and gotten me several boyfriends, but I just can't remember it.  Also, apparently that one sentence (thought, word, idea?) that I sputtered out 3.6 days ago used up all my funny.  Sorry guys.  I can only be funny when I'm about to go into a memory lapse, apparently.  And that memory lapse also affects my roommates.

Maybe that funny phrase was actually a magic spell, and it makes whomever hears it forget what I said.  Pretty useless, admittedly, unless your goal is to make several people crazy trying to figure out what it is that I said, including myself.  I'm pretty sure if I figure out how to harness this superpower, I could be president of the world.  Or something.  Because I could say something stupid that would make people stop voting for me, but then they would just forget what I said and just remember that I was funny.  Success.  I'm gonna have to practice this.

...

What kind of bear has no teeth?

A gummy bear!

....Yeah, I don't think that was it.  *sigh*

Puftina the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Woman

Once upon a time I signed on to sell concessions at football games. This seemed like a good idea at the time. That time was summer. I worked the last game yesterday night, when it was distinctly not summer. In fact, the high was 36 degrees, and the low was 17. And part of the time it was actually snowing. The solution? Wear every article of clothing that I own, and some that Sara owns.  Here's me beforehand:

And here's everything that I wore and/or packed for the game:

But not the bed sheet.  Don't be ridiculous.

The sad part is that when I got there I put on most of the things in the bag.  And zipped up the jacket.  And wore two hoods.  And wrapped a scarf around most of my face.  I think I was wearing eight layers in total, and it was still a little cold.  But, at last count, I still have all of my fingers and toes, so I'm putting it down in the success book.  Imagine that I ended this with a picture of me coming in the door, wearing everything, clutching a cup of hot chocolate, and covered in about an inch of snow.

S"NERF"ING ADVENTURES

So, today, we went crazy.  But that's normal here.  We went a special kind of crazy today.  Our roommate Jessica came with two nerf guns (one with a laser to help you aim... so cool!) so we've been randomly attacking people throughout the semester.  But today, the flame within us grew to a forest fire.  We began to desire something more.  A full out war, instead of just sporadic battles.  So we all went out and did the practical thing: bought all the nerf guns we could afford!!!  Which, albeit, was not many, but now we all have one.  We defended the decision with the fact that these guns would probably come in handy if ever a zombie apocalypse were to occur.  At least, they couldn't hurt.  I am the proud owner of TWO nerf guns.  Be afraid, cuz I've been practicing my aim.

See?  Aim at Marina:  Check! 

Aim at the camera: Check!

And lastly, aim at the ceiling: Check!  I'm good at this.

We plan on attacking any unsuspecting intruders.  Or non-intruders.  If you walk anywhere near the vicinity of our building, watch your back.  Or don't, and then you can be blissfully unaware of what is sneaking up behind you.  Mwahaha....

true story.

sometimes i see the year written out and i panic. i think part of my panic is due to the fact that until about six months ago, i genuinely believed the world was going to end this year. so when i see that it's 2012, i have a very small, very immediate smerf attack. what does this mean for us? is it really so far in the future? is iPhone's siri technology going to pull an iRobot and take over the world?!

then i see things like this picture, and i don't necessarily feel better... but i do absolutely feel like a crazy person.

but we all knew that already, right?

yelling at a cop isn't illegal... right?

because if it is, i'm in trouble.

last night was a big basketball game. i went out with leah and marina, and when i came back, all the spots in our parking lot were full because of all the jerks who stole our parking for the game. as i circled, i became increasingly angry and aggressive, especially in passing people who were parked in non parking spots that made it difficult for me to drive through the lots.

on my last circuit of the lot, i came around a bend where a large truck was obnoxiously stopped in the middle of the road. not in the middle of his lane- in the middle. of the road. and not only was this jerk obstructing traffic, but his brights were on, which made it even more difficult to maneuver around him.

by this point, i was so smerfed up because i couldn't park ANYwhere, that i threw my arms up and started yelling things at this guy from inside my car. he was out, walking around the side of his car, and threw his arms up at me too and started yelling at me. i finally got around the nose of his truck... and was able to see the university police logo on the side of his door. then, looking back, i noticed he was in a police uniform.

i yelled at a cop tonight, folks. THAT'S why you shouldn't drive angry... you do stupid things like make angry gestures at authority figures, and then park in the dairy queen parking lot because you're afraid he'll hunt you down and ticket you and send you to jail. true story.

Shaving

Don't worry, it's not what you think. This post is not a rant about having to shave my legs even during the winter, or how men on campus desperately need to re-read the honor code. No, I'm talking about shaving inanimate objects. Specifically pillows.

So, this is (was) my pillow. I know, horrible right? How could I possibly have allowed this unkempt object into my sight? Jessie soon put me right about the proper way to care for pillows that don't have proper hygine.

Jessie to the rescue!! (And if you look closely, you can see our observant new roommate standing in his usual spot by the door, watching.)

'Twas a very interesting experience. Click here for a video showing this process, which somehow led to a philosophical discussion about how inanimate objects make the best friends, and yet the worst enemies. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I guess.

Done!! And smoother than a baby's bottom. How could I have ever lived like I did?? I swear, I'll never go back to an unsmerfed pillow.

our fridge is not a fridge.

sara and i have a contraption in the middle of our room.

it looks like a fridge. it sounds like a fridge.

but don't be fooled... it's a contraption of doom and aggravation.

even on the lowest settings, it has a tendency to freeze everything inside. including drinks.

anyway, i noticed the "fridge" wasn't closing right the other night, and i opened it to fix whatever was blocking the door to find a busted diet coke can and frozen diet coke covering nearly every surface. normally i would laugh this off and put it in my ramble-y story box to tell over dinner some night... except this is the FOURTH time a diet coke can has exploded on me. SINCE AUGUST!

twice our "fridge" that is really a freezer has caused diet coke to smerf everywhere. yes, i should've known better and prevented a second time, but i forgot. anyway, enjoy some pictures and a good laugh at my expense. my hallmates sure did.

the worst thing about the whole experience? i had an open container of raspberry lemonade yogurt sitting on a shelf that i started eating, then lost interest and put away to eat later. now it is questionably edible, as there is diet coke all up in it. normally i might throw it away, but come on now... raspberry lemonade! doesn't sound that delicious? not anymore.

-katie

This week would probably have been more fun if I was drunk. Not that I drink. This title got bad fast.

On a regular basis I threaten to drop out of school to be a hobo and live in a box. I also threaten to move to Chile and join a mariachi band, but that's beside the point. This is a pretty good summary of my semester so far. However, I have recently learned that my current dilemmas are mostly irrelevant as its only a matter of time before dolphins take over the world. What, you hadn't heard about this? You thought 2012 was going to bring an earthquake, or something? How sadly behind of you. As Katie recently informed me, dolphins are alarmingly intelligent, and have been throwing us off the trail for years through such activities as rescuing drowning humans and performing for fish. They can also probably stand up on their tail. Octopi, of course, are also intelligent, but have shorter life spans. Katie does not feel as threatened by octopi.

On a completely unrelated subject, here is my picture of Sara:

P.S. I have just been informed that the word "smerf" must appear in this post. Done.